Changes

I started Law School in January – I am a full time student again! After not working all summer and fall, it has been surprisingly hard to back into a routine. Getting up early, making breakfast for the family & getting out the door in time to make the train has been challanging! So far (fingers are crossed) I have not missed the train, but a couple of days it has been a very close call. I am also surprised (although I don’t really know why) at how much work there is ay school. I spend about 4 hours everyday – including weekends doing homework. I do try to use my travel time to read, but it can be hard to consentrate on the train, so I often find myself reading & re-reading the same page over and over.

It has been hard for my daughter to re-adjust to me not being here all the time for her. She got spoiled pretty quickly and is not so quick to give it up! The first few weeks I think she spent every moment of free time either calling or texting me. We had some serious coonversations recently and she is getting better about it, but is still texting me at least 4 times a day.

I am very lucky that my mother in law lives about 2 blocks from my daughters school, and she is willling to watch her until I can pick her up in the afternoon. My daughter did not mind the arrangement – she gets to play with my mother in laws dog, gets snacks, gets to nap if she wants, watches TV, plays games with Grandma – when I was working. Now that I am in school and after spending the summer & fall as a stay at home mom – my daughter suddenly is not happy about staying for a few hours with Grandma! I do think that part of this is hormones! She turned 12 in December and has really started to be umm, how can I say it, a teen! But another part is her worrying about me – which I hate!

Over the spring of last year I let my eating disorder get way out of control, then I got very sick with an appendix that burst. I did not realize just how sick I was with anorexia. My husband was concerned that it was going to kill me and then I did nearly die from the appendix – naturally there was a lot of tension around the house. While we tried to keep it from our daughter, she picked up on it & of coure could see just how much weight I lost. At her school they have a whole program on eating disorders and such, so she had a pretty good idea about it, before I told her the truth. But these 2 incidencts really make her worry about me dying. It is my fault, but now I’m having a hard time getting her over worrying about me! I am getting healthy and I try to stress that to her everyday, but she is just as clingy and constantly watching me over breakfast & dinner. I am hoping this will clear up with time!

My husband too has been having some adjustment issues with my return to school. When I was working we shared the housework, when I was at home – did 90% of it. Now I’m not home and do not have the time, he has been slow to pick up where we were before I stopped working. It is amazing how quickly changes happen and how slow they are to go back to where they were. While I do get home much earlier then when I was working and do make dinner – shopping for food has been a haphazard thing. Pasta is getting tiring! The problem is neither of us seems to have the time to shop. The other day he complained about not having a shirt to wear – I pointed him in the direction of the washing machine. He gave me a “sad” look but proceeded to wash a couple of loads! I do feel guilty about not keeping up on the housework like I did when I was home, but need to let it go, otherwise I know that I will obsess about it and start they whole cycle. I think again it is going to take some time to get back to getting a routine.

As for me – the first coupleof weeks at school were hard. I wanted to be perfect. I wanted to have all my readings done before I went to bed, I wanted my papers to be perfect the 1st time, I wanted to to get 100% on my tests, I wanted to basically to be in control of everything! I actually did find myself slipping back into old anorexic patterns for a few days before I caught it. I called my theripist & had a good session – that seemed to help. I hate that I have to keep such a viligant eye on what seems to be so normal as eating, but at least for the time being I do.

I did have a panic moment a couple of days ago, when my jeans were just too tight to wear. I had to go up to a aize 4! I was at 0, then a 2, & now a 4. The whole clothes being tight thing statred to freak me out, that’s why I started to diet last year. I went from a 9 to 0 and would have kept going if my husband hadnt intervended. But now going in the opposite direction, is causing a bit of anxiety. Not too much but I do need to be careful still at this point.

I do have a great eating program down withmy nutritionist, but when it gets thrown off for whatever reason – I get nervous. When I started school the food choices were rather limited. I schedeled on 1/2 hour for lunch, so I had to make sure that what I ate was quick – but there were not a lot of choices for quick & nutritious. It did take a couple of weeks to get this sorted out, but I think I’m over that – I have been bringing parts of my lunch and buying freah fruit & veg at school. This seems to be working okay. Next term, I am going to scheule classes so I get an hour for lunch!

Dealing with change is never easy. It seems that everyone in my family is having a hard time adjusting to my going back to school. We dicusssed as a family the reason why I wanted to go back to school and decided that we could deal with it. I think we all knew it was going to be hard, but I’m not sire we were really prepared for it! I do know that we will all work together & eventually we will get our routines back, and these changes will seem silly, but for now – it seems like there are not enough hours in a day, that everything that seemded normal and routine it not!

I Am Not a Lamb

Over the weekend my husband and I attended his company’s annual holiday party. While girls tend to talk more about their private lives – men do not, so many people attending the party were unaware of my current struggles with anorexia. I knew most of the people there, and was a bit nervous attending the party – they had not seen me since I lost so much weight. Last year I wore a size 9 dress this year it was a size 0. So there was a pretty big difference! I was expecting gasps and questions on my health, but what I received instead was admiration. Most of the woman wanted to know my diet secret and gushed about how great I looked.

While I was happy about not having to explain, I was shocked at the reactions. I know there is a huge disconnect with body image in most of the affluent countries around the world, but it was shocking experiencing it first hand. It was strange to have people tell me I looked great, when I am constantly reminded at home about how skinny I am, about how I need to be gaining more weight. It is amazing that women feel that a full grown woman looks “great” weighing 93 pounds! That an ideal body type has ribs and backbone protruding, this is an ideal that woman want to achieve. Where does this come from?

Almost a year ago I dieted because my slacks felt a little tight after the holidays. I did not intend to loose this much weight, I was happy at the weight I was. Other things interfered into my life and a control that I have sought throughout my life once again arose and my good intentions were waylaid! I did not want to admit that I was having a problem, but once I did, I want to get well. I do not want this struggle any more, yet I was being told that I did not look sickly or deathly skinny – no I was being told I looked great, that other woman wanted to look like this, that this was a good thing!

I’m not going to go into the obsession of being thin and the media or clothing designers – it has all been said before. There are many mixed messages being sent to woman, but mostly it is sad that people want an ideal that is for the most part unobtainable and unhealthy. If people thought I looked so great at a size 0 – did they think I was fat at a size 9? I thought I looked good, my husband liked the way I looked, I was healthy and happy. In the end I guess I don’t really care what they thought, their opinion is not really important to me. But what is sad is that so many people are so worried about what others think of them, that the opinion of someone you don’t even know is important somehow. That women let themselves be swayed by the opinion of someone else is frightening – they have so little self confidence that they let themselves be led like little sheep going to slaughter. I refuse to be led!

How my Daughter Changed my View on Abortion

This morning we all woke early – I guess not being in our own beds was less comfortable then we all thought it would be! As long as we were up, we decided to go for a walk in the woods that surround the house are renting. Luckily we were not looking for wildlife because my daughter was very chatty she would have scared anything off! While we walked and she talked I thought back to when she was a baby. It is amazing to me that that tiny little person could have grown into this bright beautiful young woman. I am amazed that I can feel so much love her, that she is a living breathing part of my husband and myself. That she is the combined DNA of all my ancestors as well as my husbands. I thought back to the very moment that she was conceived, to when my whole life changed. My whole view of the world flipped upside down!

Before I got pregnant was very Pro-Choice. I felt that having an abortion was little more then removing unwanted cells. That there was no life yet to that little group of cells – there was no soul or spirit yet infused into it. Then a very strange thing happened to me – something that people tell me can’t happen. There is just no way!

I knew the very moment that I got pregnant! It felt like little sparkly fairy dust in my uterus. It was about 9 hours after an attempt, I was in the shower and I just felt this little brush of life – I have no other term for it. Being Wiccan I am maybe more aware of my body and the slight changes then some others. This was different, something I never felt before or since. But I knew what it was – it was life starting within me! Life I realized begins just as soon as that little egg is fertilized. Having an abortion is killing a little tiny life, as little tiny soul. In that moment I changed from being Pro-Choice to being against abortion. How could anyone kill another because it might be inconvenient or conceived not in a way you want. How can you give a death sentence to a person who is innocent of the crime? Yes rape is awful and I can’t imagine caring the baby of a rapist, but I also don’t know how I could kill the little person who is totally innocent of the crime. It would be like killing the mother of the rapist. She is innocent, why should she be given a death sentence for what her son did?

When I told people that I felt when the egg was fertilized they looked at me like “Yeah right?” They will have you believe that you can’t feel it, that the very moment life begin within you, they are wrong. If you listen to your body, are in tune to what your body feels like, what happens within it – and you are paying attention you can feel it. You can know the moment a little person begins to grow, warm and innocent deep within you. Probably if I had been on the train, in the office, on the phone or doing anything else I would not have felt it. But the Goddess chose that time and place for my baby to be conceived. She let me know that she was gifting us with a little child to nuture and love, for my husband and myself to take care of here on earth for her.

This morning during our walk I could never have imagined the beautiful young woman I would be walking with those many years ago in a shower. She is bright and funny and so excited to be here, I can’t imagine my world without her.

Thanksgiving is almost here

Right now I packing up boxes of food that we will need for our 3-1/2 day trip to Galena. I can’t believe how much food there is! We have to bring everything we need, the vacation house is empty of any foodstuff,so even salt needs to be brought with us! Thanksgiving dinner will be tradition turkey, with sweet potatos, but no green bean casserole- just plain green beans with almond slivers. My husband can not eat gluten so no bread stuffing, but I do make gluten- free rolls.

As part of my recovery I have to follow an eating plan- this involves actually deciding what I am going to eat for the whole day the night before. I need to make sure all the proper nutrients are included and that I’m not being over ambitious, becuase this will just cause me to fail and cause more anxiety. So yes, I had to plan 4 days worth of eating before packing up! I keep all this in a file on my iPad, so luckily I don’t have pieces of paper all over the place, as in the past.

I am also taking along an aromatherapy kit. I have 12 oils that I seem to use a lot, so these are coming, as well are large bottles of my anorexia massage oils and inhalation oils. I’m bring a couple of reference books too! I wonder if my car will hold all this stuff!!

Anorexia and Aromatherapy

One of the effects of Eating Disorders – at least for me – is that I withdraw from things that I used to enjoy especially if they involve food, but also from friends who would confront me about eating. In the past I have totally ruined friendships with this withdrawal. Luckily for me this time one friend I shut out also has endured eating disorders, so while being brutally honest with me, she also is quick to forgive.

As I have slowly been getting better, I have made extra effort into our friendship. She wanted to attend a class in aromatherapy offered at a local yoga studio, I wasn’t really interested but I agreed to go with her anyway, to rebuild out friendship. It was divine intervention – the Goddess knows what we need and will steer us there if we listen.

The class was a basic introduction, but it was interesting enough to both of us that we ordered a sample kit from the woman who was teaching the class. My friend really got into it and went home and ordered books for her Kindle to read right away. Being Wiccan we both had several Essential Oils at home already plus the 7 in our new kit; she started right away with blending oils for specific purposes, namely sciatica she has had for years. She also found information on oils to help with anorexia and made me a blend which she hand delivered the very next day!

My usual reaction is “Gee thanks, I’ll give it a try.” And place the stuff in a basket in the hall, never to think of it again, until I clean out the basket and toss it away. But I am working on this friendship so I decided to really give it a try. Just before dinner that night I placed a drop in my hand, rubbed my palms together and gave it a sniff – very citrusy. But meal time came a few minutes later and for some reason the anxiety was less then usual. Later that night at snack time, again I tried the oil, this time I massaged it into my hands and feet, as she explained, and ate the bowl of sherbet without any hesitation!

I began to think there might be something to this, so I too started to read more. The more I read, the more things I tried, I just kept getting better and better results. I came up with a routine that has been helping me so much, I decided to become a Certified Aromatherapist- I’m still working on this!

The routine I have involves Pink Grapefruit oil, Grapefruit oil, Lemon Oil, Bergamot oil, Tarragon oil, Lavender oil, and Roman Chamomile oil. First I have a small bottle that contains 4 drops each of pink grapefruit, grapefruit, bergamot & lemon, 3 drops of Chamomile & 2 drops of lavender. Whenever I get anxious about eating or the eating disorder is screaming loud in my head, I deeply inhale this and it quiets down quickly. Every morning I massage my stomach and feet with tarragon, grapefruit, lemon and chamomile oils that I mixed into some almond oil. I do the same mid-day and in the evening I massage my hands and neck with lavender, lemon, and bergamot oils mixed into olive oil.

Another problem that I have is pain – lack of a fat layer on your body means that when you sit or lay down or even stand you are doing this right on bone with no fat to protect you. For the pain I massage in warming oils like Peppermint and vanilla into the spots that are painful it seems to help lessen the pain a bit. The constant pain also causes sleeping problems – I used to take sleeping pills to be able to sleep, now I am using Spikenard oil, it works better and no side effects!

Aromatherapy might not be for everyone, but it has been helping me during my recovery that I am convinced that without I would not be this far along. I have heard people tell me to get professional massages with aromatherapy, but at this point I think that it would be too painful to have someone else rubbing on me – I’m still missing needed fat. But in the future who knows?

Thanksgiving Anxiety

One thing about recovering from this bout of anorexia has been dealing with family and the issues that this brings. We used to have Sunday dinner at my in laws house just about every single Sunday. While my mother in law means well, she does not understand eating disorders; she really thinks that guilting me in to eating will work. “You don’t like my cooking?” “I hate to throw all this food out” “If you don’t like this what can I make you?” “Oh you’re just being stubborn!” and hundreds of more comments like these. She does not get that it is not stubbornness or meanness, she does not understand the terror (I have no other word for it) that the thought of eating a piece of fried chicken sends me into.

As the anorexia progressed, we stopped going to dinner every Sunday, then it was every other, then once a month, until finally I stopped going all together – my husband and daughter went I stayed home. Angry that I was missing out on times I used to find interesting and fun, now I could not bear the thought of being in front of that much food! I hated the looks I got, the comments I received, and worse of all the condescending attitude. Okay maybe they weren’t being condescending, but that is what I saw! My mother in law always made a take home plate for me – which I never ate.

Even now in recovery, I still am dreading the thought of spending Thanksgiving with a crowd of people. So after sitting down with my husband and designing a meal plan that I promised to eat, we decided to spend Thanksgiving away from home. A friend of ours has a vacation house near Galena, IL that they are not using and this will be our holiday get away. The location is surrounded by woods and has hiking trails right there, so it should be a picturesque holiday. The holiday meal will be simple, and hopefully should not cause too much anxiety. I have a lot to be thankful for this year and I want to spend it with those that I am most thankful for – my husband and daughter. Without their love and support, their anger and truth – I might not be here to tell the tale.

Nobody is Perfect

In January of 2012, I was in talks to sell my business. There were many reasons why I felt it was the right time to sell a business that I worked hard to grow & build, but it was also a very sad time for me. I have worked since I was 15 years old, except for a few months after my daughter was born I have ALWAYS worked. Combined with the sorrow and uncertainty of selling my business and the prospect of not working, my brain fell into an old pattern to deal with things I could not control – Anorexia Nervosa reared it’s ugly head.

My first bout with anorexia was when I was 11, I was hit by a car while playing on the sidewalk in front of my house. I had horrible injuries and was hospitalized for months. Prior to this I was very independent and self sufficient. Once I was in the hospital all that had to change – people were making decisions for me that I had no say in, I had to depend on people to help me bathe & even to go to the bathroom – it was a nightmare for me! My way of dealing with it was to control the few things I did have control over; one of which was what I ate – or more accurately what I did not eat! It was a refuge in a time of fear, pain & uncertainty. I did not make the conscious decision to stop eating it just happened, but it gave me a sense of control over my life that I missed. It started slowly, and then spiraled out of control. Suddenly I was not controlling my eating – it was controlling me, but I could not stop. Luckily my parents got me help before I starved myself to death – I’m sure I would have. I remember that for about 6 weeks my entire days food allotment consisted of 1 small apple and 1 melba cracker

My next go around was actually in the form of bulimia. I was a junior in college, I double majored so my work load was massive! I began to feel that I was going to fail, I would flunk out – I would disappoint my parents. Once again my world seemed to be spinning out of my control and my brain decided to help me control it. Once night I ate an entire 14” pizza by myself, without even realizing it – I just kept munching on it while doing homework. Before I realized it the pizza was gone and I felt sick! My solution was to stick my finger down my throat, I actually felt better and most of the offending food did not end up on my hips! Suddenly it became routine for me to binge on Oreos, Pizza, & Cheetos followed by horrible guilt and the need to purge. I ended up in the hospital with electrolytes so low I could not get out of bed without fainting – again my parents came to my rescue and got me help. This time I thought it was beat!

After I had my daughter, I hated going to work and leaving her in the care of someone else. After long discussions and soul searching, I quit my job to become a full time mom. This was not all that I had thought it would be – it was boring with no money to do the things I liked to do. I felt guilty if I spent extra money on some trinket for her or worse yet myself. Plus I had a fear that I had made a mistake; that I was not a good mom, that I was better at my career then staying at home; that other people were better raising her than I was. I had some extra baby weight that I needed to lose, so I went on a diet – a sensible one. However I was not loosing the weight as fast as I thought I should, so I cut back a bit, then a bit more, then more. Eventually was I eating about 400 calories a day. My husband was freaked out how thin I was, but I told him it was no big deal, that I was not really all that thin – he just noticed it more because I had been heavier. Deep down I knew I was lying to him & to myself – I was in trouble again! During a holiday visit to my family, they confronted me and once again I was back in therapy. Again I thought I had it beat!

During the negotiations of selling my business, I began to notice that my slacks were a bit tight, so I decided to diet. One again it was a sensible diet, but soon enough it went out of control. I was not eating and loosing weight was no longer the goal. I could not stop, not eating. I refused to let myself believe that anorexia was here again! I had conquered it when my daughter was a baby – there was no way that I had let myself fall into that old trap. I did not want my daughter to grow up with the specter of eating disorders floating around the house, I did not want her exposed it that! I convinced myself I was fine – there was nothing wrong with, I could eat anytime I wanted – I just didn’t want to. I had every excuse – I was too busy to eat, I ate at work, my insides were in a knot over negotiations, I wasn’t hungry…. You name it I had the excuse why I wasn’t eating.

I was hungry all the time – I took Ambien to sleep many nights just to stop being hungry and stop thinking about food – even for a little while. My stomach hurt it felt like there were daggers pressing inside it, the pain was constant and sharp, but still I denied that there was a problem. A close friend of mine also had overcome eating disorders and confronted me, but I denied it – I cut her out of my life. My in laws were shocked, they were upset over my weight lose. I denied there was a problem, I was just fine – no need to worry! Leave me alone and I’ll be alright.

At the same time I started working out – of course I went overboard! I would swim for 2 or 3 hours at a time, get up at midnight to go to the gym and exercise. I would run for an hour before going to work, anything to help burn off those evil calories!

My husband and I argued all the time. Meal times were awful, I didn’t want to make a big deal about it with my daughter there, so I’d work late rather then face them and argue in front of her. I began to think I hated my husband – that he was the problem not me, I’d be better without him. I was glad when he or I traveled so I wouldn’t have to see him. Up until this time we had a wonderful relationship, but now I couldn’t bear the sight of him. I slept (what little I could sleep) in the spare bedroom, rather then be with him. I did not have a problem damnit! He was just such a nag; I’d eat if he’d stop nagging me. Of course deep deep down I knew the truth, I was the problem, I was having trouble dealing with the change I knew was coming, so I reverted back to my control. The only way my brain has ever been able to deal with upheaval and change – anorexia!

One day my daughter was off visiting cousins and my husband confronted me. Either I was going to get help or he was leaving and taking our daughter with him. He told me he did not want our 11 year child to watch her mother slowly kill herself. I was speechless! It had never occurred to me that I was so bad that he thought I might die. It never occurred to me that he’d leave me (even though I thought if the same thing) or that he’d take our daughter. It also never occurred to me the effect this was having on our daughter. I stopped and thought about it – my bright chipper little girl was suddenly very quite and withdrawn. I was so into myself that I didn’t see what this was doing to her and to my family. I agreed to get help although outwardly I said I didn’t need it I would do it just to make him happy. Yeah I tried the guilt thing on him!

I went unwilling into therapy and hated it. There was nothing wrong! Then I got sick – my appendix burst on me and going to the therapist saved my life. He saw how sick I was and called an ambulance to take me to the hospital. The doctors were concerned that they might be too late – the infection, burst organ and anorexia might be more then my body could overcome. Luckily I am okay now, but it was close.

My father and sister flew up from Atlanta where their shock at my appearance was tempered only by their concern for my life. After I was out of the hospital it was a struggle to keep eating, I was really sick and did not feel much like it. But I had lost even more weight in the hospital so I was deathly thin – my appearance even surprised me. That brush with death was a wake up call. I went back to therapy with a new outlook I wanted to get well. I admitted that I have an Eating Disorder and need to get help for it.

This time I am not going to be so arrogant to believe that I am going to be fixed, that I will never again experience an eating disorder. I know that it always be a struggle, that I am always going to have to be aware of how I am dealing with problems and fear in my life. Even in therapy I am having trouble keeping my weight up, keeping the terror at bay, but I am working on it. Like so many other things in life – it is a work in progress!

Why I sold my business

11 years ago, I was a new mom, with a 6 month old baby. I was a new home owner with a townhouse that was close to the train for me to get into the city and for my husband to take to his work if necessary- though he normally drove. One night I came home late; my husband had picked up our daughter from daycare and told me of new amazing milestone our daughter had reached. He was told this by the daycare teacher. I was already tired and had just had a terrible day at work and for some reason I just started crying. I hated that I wasn’t there to see it!

A couple of weeks later, my husband was out of town on business & I had to go on a spur of the moment out of town trip. While my mother in law was more than happy to watch her little grand baby, I felt like crying! I hated leaving my daughter!

It was then that it hit me I wanted to stay at home with my baby! I never thought that I would want to stay home- not work. That just was not me. I worked hard at college-double BA, I finally had I job I LOVED and a mortgage. Not working outside the home never occurred to me. But now I hated not being with her. I worked in downtown Chicago and lived in the suburbs, I began to resent the long commute; it took time away from my baby, I resented the daycare; they knew my baby almost better then I did, I resented my husband; he spent more time with her then I did….

When both my husband and I were back home, I told him of my misery. He told me to quit working. It seemed that simple to him. I was more practical then that. How would be afford the house, the car payments, the credit cards…..He told me we will manage. That is my husband in a nutshell- if you want something bad enough, you will find a way to make it happen. Yes our lifestyle would change, dinners out would have to be rare, rather then almost every night, we’d have to get rid if the cleaning lady, sell his car & get a less expensive one, but we could manage, if this is what I really wanted. The next day I woke feeling better then I had in months! If I wanted to quit I could, we would work it out. It took me a few more months before I actually decided to it would be okay to quit.

When I finally was a stay at home mom, it was much more boring then I had counted on! I was used to a busy office; always running about chasing one emergency to another. Now I cleaned house, did laundry, cooked meals, and played with our daughter. While I loved it, I was surprised just how much I missed adult interaction, the kind that had nothing to do with kids & home! Most of my friends worked, the ones that didn’t only spoke about their kids and husbands or what was on Oprah. I suddenly felt lost! This was not what I expected. I decided I could work part time, but by the time I paid for someone to watch my daughter I would actually be loosing money.

Then out of the blue my old boss called and asked if I might be willing to help out with a project. Most of what I needed to be done could be done at home, just 1 day a week in the office a week. The job was expected to last 3 weeks. I jumped at it!

What that job did was make me realize I could work from home and still be with my daughter. I had worked in event planning, and had a lot of contacts with hotels, restaurants, catering companies, florists,airlines, etc. One of my dear friends was getting married, so I offered to plan her wedding free of charge, if I could use her as a reference & leave my business card at the reception. She agreed- the wedding was perfect, and came in under budget. My friend recommended me to her cousin and once again I offered to do it for free if I could leave my business cards. She agreed and once again the wedding turned out exactly as she wanted.

So my little wedding planning business was born. I could do most of the work at home on the phone, when I needed to go to sites, I could take my daughter along. It was working out perfectly. While I was not making a huge amount of money, it was enough that we could pay off student loans early. I branched out to other events besides weddings – anyone who was willing to pay to have me organize their event, I would do it.

Again fate intervened, I got a call from an old client, he was in need of someone to help him with a trade show in Nashville. It would require me to spend 3 nights out of town. I considered it, and by this time my daughter was 4 she was in kindergarten, I had more time. I eventually said okay. The job worked out well, and I ran into many of my old colleagues. About 3 months later I started getting calls from more old clients and my role changed from wedding planning and back to trade shows.

Eventually I needed someone to help me do billing and all the accounting things I was fast loosing the time to do. So I hired my next door neibhour to help out. Then I started getting more jobs then I could handle all by myself, I had to hire another event planner. We each worked from our homes and once a week we had a company meeting in my living room! Eventually I needed a computer guy, another planner, another accountant, and so one & Woods Events was officially born!

We moved into a small office where we eventually out grew! And had to move again. In February I celebrated 10 years and an even larger office. There were many things I wanted to branch out into – display design, social media, traffic coordination, etc. but I did not have the time. I hired 2 more people thinking that would free me up to work on expanding my business, but it just gave me more to do on what we were already doing! It seemed like I could never get ahead of the mundane. I know that in business if your not growing- your dying! I did not want my company to die! While business was strong and very profitable, I felt there was so much more to be done.

I was approached by another firm to merge. I thought about it, but in the end decided against it – there were more negatives then positives. So I continued to work 12 hours a day & 6 days a week. I did get the company into display design, but the effort was incredible! It took so much time away from my family – the whole reason I quit all those years ago was to be with my family! I was beginning to see either I settled for my company to be what it was a small event planning company or I needed someone or some company that had the resources I do not have.

My father in law who has owned his own engineering firm for 30 years, told me I should wait until the economy is better. During these time I should be thankful for the growth I have, so many companies are going out of business. I was very profitable and the company had almost no debt, I should just sit tight.

But I loved my little company! I wanted what was best for it, even if it I was not the best for it. It took me over a year to see that my little company had out grown me. It needed more than I had to give. If I was willing to give more time & more money it could grow. But I was not willing to give up my family and go into deep debt to give the company what it needed. I asked the goddess for guidance for months. But really the path was clear, I just did not want to see it!

The same company that wanted to merge approached me again, but this time they offered to buy my company. Again I rebuffed them. I was not willing to sell at that time, a few months later they came back with an offer that left me stunned! It was like the Godfather – an offer I couldn’t refuse. I never figured anyone would offer me that kind of money for my little company! I discussed it with my family, but in the end the decision was mine and mine alone.

It was hard to realize that my company would be better without me! But once I knew it to be true, I decided to accept the offer. The new company is much larger, they have the resources needed to grow, they can offer my employees better benefits then I could afford, they can offer my clients more services than I can offer. So the bottom line is my company is better off with them, then with me.

I had to sign a non-compete clause for 10 years, so I am not sure what I will do next in my life yet. But I do know that there is something out there that needs me. Right now it is my family. My daughter is beyond thrilled that I will be home with her this summer. My husband is happy that I’m will not be away so often, and I am still unsure. I will be working until the end of June to help with the transition, but pulling away is hard. The new management is in place and some things I disagree with, but it’s not my company anymore. I pray that they build it, and not make wrong decisions. Because in the end I still love my little company and probably always will!

A Memorial Day Full of Surprises

My sister, her husband, and her granddaughter were scheduled to up come from Atlantafor a visit Memorial Day. Her granddaughter is once again going to be our nanny this summer. My daughter loved her and she also had a great time last year. When the group was in aboutIndianapolis my sister called to let me know where they were and about what time they would be arriving. She also told me she had a surprise for me, but would tell me what it was until she arrived! I hate waiting!

They were on schedule to arrive about 10:30 that night, not too late, so my daughter asked if she could stay up and greet them when they arrived. Normally I would have told her no, that she would see them in the morning, but she was VERY excited to see Kelly again, so I relented. While we were waiting my daughter was reading an article in her current event magazine that the school gets. In my day it was the Weekly Reader, but they have branched out a bit. She was reading about microloans and how they helped people all over the world $25 at a time.

One thing about my daughter is that she is very socially conscience. One year instead of birthday presents she asked her friends to bring non-perishable food items to her party instead of gifts, so they could be donated to a local food pantry, after she read about hunger in our area. Every year my sister in law has a large garage sale and my daughter usually sells her old toys, last year she donated the profits to the Salvation Army when she heard about the need locally. So it was really not out of character for her to want be moved by the story about microloans. After the story she went upstairs to her piggy bank removed $25 and gave it to me and told me she wanted to make a Kiva loan. We spend about an hour looking over the huge amount of requests. She decided she wanted to donate to a female in Afghanistan; unfortunately there were none when we looked, so her second choice was here in theUSA. We found a project that we both agree had potential and surprisingly I also felt moved so I agreed to match here donation. It was a great way to spend the evening with my family.

Finally about 11 my family pulled up in the driveway! I ran out of the house to see them just as my surprise was getting out of the back seat – my Daddy came along for the visit! He is 91 and while in very good health, he’s 91. It’s hard for him to sit all the way fromAtlantato just North of Chicago, but he wanted to come and see us, so he tagged along. I actually squealed in joy! Not very much like me, but it was a great surprise.

My sister is a born again Christian. Her brand of Christianity thinks that anyone who does not follow her brand of Christianity is going to hell. This includes not only pagans like me, but even other Christians namely Catholics. This is actually odd because we were all raised Catholic and my Dad still is – sort of. I had a sister who died, before I was born, at a very young age and this affected my parents greatly; they both sort of questioned why a great loving god would take such a young life, even as they prayed for her health. My sister I think believes that it was because they were praying as Catholics, although she would never say this, she has hinted at it to me. So over the years we have had our arguments about me being a non-Christian! But we have come to a sort of truce, after I had a fit about her trying to convert my 4 year daughter by using her grandchildren as the conversion tool. She still does try to use guilt to convert my husband, but only because he has not yet told her to shut up and mind her own business, she views his politeness as a weakness and tries to pounce. Continuing with the surprises this weekend my sister never even once had any comment about how terrible it is that our daughter is going to hell or in any way tried to tell us how awful it is to raise a Wiccan child! We totally avoided religion all together. Except for Sunday when they went to church and that was only a brief question on if we wanted to go and give it another try. Amazing!!

But the biggest surprise came on Sunday night when my dad was sitting on the porch all alone. I went out to ask if he was okay, and he asked me to sit with him, he wanted to talk. Now when your dad is 91 and suddenly wants to talk with you alone, most of my thoughts were pretty morbid. So I sat nervously and waited for him to tell me some horrible news. Turns out it was not horrible it was a huge surprise!

He pulled out a picture from his wallet and asked: “have you ever seen a picture of your grandmother- my mother when she was young.” I could not recall ever seeing a young picture of her, we had picture of her when she was older – in her 50’s & sixty’s but really no younger. He showed me a picture of her at about 15 – the picture could have been of my daughter in a few years! My grandmother was Romanian and was in a concentration camp during World War 2, she never talked about it or her life before. It was as if her life began when she moved to theUSA. Most of the pictures of her at a young age were destroyed or left behind, so this was a total revelation to me that my daughter looks so much like her. My father had never mentioned it before either. The he began to tell me that so many of the things my daughter does, the way she talks, the faces she makes are all like his mother. He told me a story about how shortly after they moved to theUSA, they were really poor, but not destitute, they had enough to eat and a roof over their heads, but not much more. Any money that was left at the end of the week, even if it was only a dime, she would give to a poor person she saw on the street, because she said everyone deserves to eat. He told me with tears in his eyes how my daughter has the same attitude, he looks at her and sees what his mother would have been like at 11. Then he told me he understands how I can believe in reincarnation, because looking at my daughter he now believes it to. I almost fell out of my chair! Then he told me with a laugh “I haven’t mentioned this to Rosy of course, I did have to be stuck with her and her holy roller husband in the car all they from Atlanta – that would have been torture!” But my biggest surprise was yet to come!

After we talked further about my daughter he then said there had been something he wanted to tell me for years, but was not sure how to tell me. He never mentioned it to my mother or my sister because it was sort of an embarrassment within his family – well for his dad and him. My grandmother it turns out practiced “the old ways” which was got her thrown into a concentration camp. She practiced Christianity with a side of witchcraft. She was the person the villagers went to, to make a potion to make the boy next door fall in love with you. Neighbor piss you off – you went to her to put a hex on them, have a hex on you, she’d remove it. Want your crops to grow, she’d give you herbs to sprinkle on your fields.

Yes – my grandmother was a witch! I just started to laugh I didn’t know what else to do. It just seemed too surreal to think that I came to pretty much continued the tradition without even knowing it. My dad said he thinks that my grandmother must have been directing me since I was small. I first read about Wicca when I was 11, and toyed around with it for years before deciding that I WAS Wiccan. My mom I believe thought it was a phase, but my dad now confessed that he was nervous about it because he thought it was my Grandmothers’ doing. That it was her pushing me from beyond the grave to continue her traditions and ways. While she was not Wiccan per say, she practiced the “old ways” from where Wicca was drawn. He said he was embarrassed by it; that is not what people did in theUnited States! He thought they had left all that behind inRomania, and now his daughter is interested in the very thing that they left! The thing that got his mother tossed in a concentration camp and almost died because of, now I was practicing it. His college educated urban daughter was doing witchcraft. He felt that it was his mother pushing it because she was upset she had to leave to behind inRomania. My grandmother actually felt that she should not have to stop practicing, that the Nazis would have won if she was forced to stop. But WW2 changed a lot of things, one of them was the attitude of her village, they no longer wanted what she offered. So she stopped only because she was no longer looked at the same way. When they moved toAmericamy grandfather had her promise to never practice the “old ways” again. So she didn’t but she resented it.

Maybe my dad is correct, maybe it was my grandmother who was pointing me in the direction. Maybe not, maybe I came to Wicca all on my own, but it is comforting to think that she is helping me on my path, that she is there when I celebrate the full moon, the turning of the wheel, and when I do a spell to bless my garden. I wish she would have written down some of her spells – of course they would be in Romanian, but it would have been interesting to see. I never really met her, she died with I was about 18 months, but I think I understand her, and I can see her in my daughter. The resemblance is amazing!

I was looking forward to spending time with my sister, but the surprises I got this weekend from my father were mind boggling! I had a great time with my sister and her husband, our patio is now twice the size it was thanks to him and my other brother in law! We spent time shopping and talking and catching up – I loved it. I especially loved that my dad shared so much with me. He is 91 and I never know when he will pass the veil, so I cherish the time we spend together. But the weekend was very special indeed!